I express my opinions a lot on Facebook and other sites and talk about many of the trivial and sometimes not so trivial things I have been up to but I rarely give people a glimpse into my private life and what is going behind the mask that is William Brougham. Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting and I find talking about it on Facebook helps.
Several weeks ago someone I loved and cared about deeply walked out of my life. It all happened in a period of 36 hours and was very sudden. I had not seen any warning signs. Perhaps I should have or perhaps there were not any. Maybe I will never get the answers. All I know is my whole world was turned upside down. For the first three weeks or so I was able to focus on my studies and other things in my life. This was not the first time it had happened.
About three weeks after the person left it hit me in an instant. I realised I had not only lost my lover but also my best friend and companion. I had felt I had lost three people in my life and a part of me. I am usually a strong person and very independent but I lost it and felt utterly defeated. I felt broken, beaten and battered.
I felt like I was being pushed against a wall. My head was throbbing and my heart beating fast. I realised I could not cope alone. The strong and confident William was no more. The William who cared deeply about politics, journalism and current affairs had gone. The William who loved music and catching up with friends was off the scene. My motivation for everything had taken leave.
For one of the first times in my life I confided in friends and family and opened up to them. A few friends in particular have been amazing throughout and I thank them with all my heart. I know it is a cliche but they have been my rock and they really have. I thought I would be much stronger and cope much better but, of course, I am only human and shit happens in life. I will not go into the details of the break up or what caused it here. People go through far worse in life than me but this is my problem and an issue I have to deal with which for me is a very serious one.
I realised I was more vulnerable than I thought and thankfully I sought help as I realised I could not cope with this alone. I can only guess what the other person went through and perhaps it was easier for them or harder. I do not know though I hope in time we will be able to talk about what has happened. All I can say is that it has been a very difficult and tough few weeks and I hope it is something I never have to repeat. I have never felt this numb, hurt or low in my life.
People often give advice whether asked for or not. Everyone's an expert. Some advice is very helpful and other advice can be quite cruel even if that is not the intention. A couple of people told me to move on. That will hopefully come but people need time to grieve and reflect. You do not simply move on after half a decade together and being part of each others lives. There is no anger or resentment. I just feel deeply saddened and wish I could see some kindness and remorse and for the person to understand what I am going through however valid their decision.
One valuable piece of advice that everyone has given me is that time plays a great part in healing and I could not agree more in my case. Time has helped and the other person and I are talking again after weeks of silence and awkwardness. We even smiled and had a laugh yesterday. I think they are beginning to show some remorse. Very different from our first meeting a couple of weeks ago which did not go well at all. I feel we took a step forward to laying the basis of a friendship. There is, of course, more work to be done and I hope in time I get some more answers as we open up to each other and let down our guard and barriers.
As I said earlier I not only lost my lover but also my companion and best friend. I lost someone I cared deeply about and still do. I hope to get at least two of those aspects of my life back. The other person initiated and extended the hand of friendship last week to me and our meeting last night went well despite everything. I hope that as each meeting passes things get easier.
What do I miss? This is something I have thought about very much and above all I miss their companionship and also miss the little things that perhaps I took for granted and even some of those things I never enjoyed doing such as shopping or getting the weekly groceries. I miss our weekly trips to buy food in Woolworths, I miss them walking me part or all of the way to university and I miss going to our local Japanese cafe at the end of our street. I miss our many holidays together. Our last one to Cairns was amazing and unforgettable. We went diving on the Great Barrier Reef and I am so happy they were there to share it with me. I know they enjoyed it too.
I miss so many things. When I finish university in the evenings I still often pick up the phone to text or call them asking them what they would like for dinner. I stop myself in time when I remember we are no longer together. When I am on my laptop I sometimes look up and expect them to be sitting on the sofa watching a DVD. I miss our trips to Civic Video to pick up the latest blockbuster DVD. When the bills come in I see their name on them too. Above all I miss coming home and seeing them on the sofa as I bring them dinner. It is lonely being home alone in our home. Little and big things bring back many memories.
I need to accept that for the moment at least the relationship is over and I need to pick myself up and try and get on with my life. Seeing and speaking to them as a friend has helped a lot as has the end of our silence. I am taking things carefully and slowly and giving us both some space but I would like to lay the foundations for a friendship and a strong one if possible. It may be an unrealistic dream but it is one I am willing to make happen if the other person does. I hope one day soon we can become good friends or even best friends again. I think they are worth it and I hope they will allow me to be a part of their lives again albeit in a different sense from before.
Time can help heal rifts and I think we have time on our side to form a friendship and I hope a strong one. I already sense some remorse and a better understanding of how I have been feeling. I hope in time I will also understand better their motivations for doing what they did. Our meeting yesterday was a big step forward from the last one. The relationship did end badly but there is still time to put a positive spin on things and make everything easier on us both. I hope in time the sadness and wounds will heal and that if nothing else I will get my best friend back and someone who I respect.
Everything happened so fast and so suddenly but I hope things continue to get better and that yesterday's meeting was a sign of friendship to come. Time will play a part in that and I hope, if anything, we can form a bond and mutual respect for each other out of what has was an unhappy ending. They have extended the hand of friendship as have I. Let us build on those foundations.
